Family estrangement
Family estrangement is the loss of a previously existing relationship between family members, through physical and/or emotional distancing, often to the extent that there is negligible or no communication between the individuals involved for a prolonged period.
Estrangement may result from the direct interactions between those affected, including
The estrangement is often unwanted, or considered unsatisfactory, by at least one party involved.[1]
Estrangement with siblings is called sibling estrangement. Estrangement from one parent caused by another parent is known as parental alienation.
Overview
Family estrangements are broken relationships between
A significant proportion of estrangements involve a third party,[1][page needed] such as a member of the extended family or the adult child's spouse. In some cases, the third party provides emotional support to the individual initiating the estrangement, providing the estranger with an alternative social support system and thus enabling the deepening of the estrangement. In other instances, the third party—either deliberately or not consciously—is actually the sole or primary cause of two family members becoming estranged.
The rejected individual, or estrangee, may or may not try a number of strategies to repair the rift. In some cases, taking responsibility and making amends for harsh words or difficult circumstances may improve the relationship. However, if the estrangement is the result of a behavioural pattern (such as a personality disorder) rather than a sequence of unfortunate life events, it is doubtful that the relationship will survive in any meaningful form.[citation needed]
In some cases, the initiator of the estrangement stipulates boundaries in order to maintain limited contact (and therefore limit emotional damage) with the person they see as a potential abuser. In other cases, the initiator is unable or unwilling to consider any type of reconciliation.
Health implications
Although the rejected party's psychological and physical health may decline, the estrangement initiator's may improve due to the cessation of abuse and conflict.[4][5] The social rejection in family estrangement is the equivalent of ostracism which undermines four fundamental human needs: the need to belong, the need for control in social situations, the need to maintain high levels of self-esteem, and the need to have a sense of meaningful existence.[6] The rejected parties suffer adverse psychological consequences such as loneliness, low self-esteem, aggression, and depression.[7]
Family estrangement activates the grief response because people who have experienced it often see it as a loss they were not prepared for and happened unexpectedly.[8] However, the rejected family member may not achieve the final grief stage of acceptance, given that the social death of the relationship is potentially reversible. The prolonged suffering of the rejected party, together with a perceived or real stigma of having been rejected by a family member, results in isolation and behavioral changes in the rejected party.[9][10]
Social workers who work with the elderly population are at the forefront of a new fallout from the family estrangement. Non-supportive or absent family members during someone's end-of-life acutely increase the pain and stress of the final days.[2]
Demographics
An October 2022
Culture
Cultural attitudes influence the frequency of estrangement, with the United States experiencing about twice as many parent-child estrangements compared to Israel, Germany, England and Spain.[12]
The emphasis on the individual over a collective family unit is regarded as contributing to estrangement, as well as a rationale for estrangement.[13][14] In individualistic cultures, the estranger typically justifies the estrangement in relation to emotional, physical or sexual abuse. Other estrangers may see a lack of emotional support or clash of values as the justification, or may blame the other person for their own unhappiness.[14] Estrangers who have suffered abuse often receive emotional support/validation as it can be easier for them to articulate and get others to understand their experience. For some victims of psychological or emotional abuse the damage has been done over a long period of time by a characteristic pattern of subtle, deniable abuse. For these people, validation may never appear in any meaningful form unless it is professional help. The estranged may also become less socially accepted because of lowered self-regulation, a reaction to the social rejection.[15]
Contributing causes
Although working through stressful issues with communication, consideration and compassion can be a healthy
Value or identity conflict
A family member's sexual orientation, choice of spouse, gender identity, politics, disability, religion or lack thereof may cause the estranged party to feel judged, unloved, or unaccepted causing them to initiate the estrangement or may cause the parents to disown their child.[3] Life choices regarding education, profession, and geography are other potentially emotionally charged topics that reflect social values.
Working through feelings to reach an understanding that accommodates the individual within the family unit challenges each individual's sense of identity as part of a society. When one or more family members rank their expectations and emotions as more important than those of another family member, then the conversation becomes a zero-sum game. This is known as a social trap in social psychology, a situation where the long-term consequences of decisions result in a cumulative loss to all parties. In these instances, estrangement is more likely than accommodation.[citation needed]
Divorce
Divorce was cited as a reason for estrangement by 12.3% of parents and 2.3% of children in one study.[3] Divorced families are significantly over-represented among people experiencing a parent–child estrangement.[14]
Child abuse
Child abuse in the form of emotional, psychological, sexual, or physical abuse was cited by 13.9% of children who initiated estrangement with one or both parents as a reason for estrangement. Furthermore, 2.9% of estranged parents acknowledged their failure to prevent the abuse.[3] Abuse by siblings is a factor in some estrangements between siblings.[14]
Substance abuse
Substance and alcohol abuse, on the part of either the estranger or the estranged, are common causes of family tension and the resulting separation. The most highly predictive domain of social estrangement for both alcohol and drug dependency is homelessness.[16]
Mental illness
Personality disorders
Betrayal of trust
From disputes over
Explanations
There are underlying psychological factors that explain family estrangement beyond the surface rationale of the scenario.
Bowen theory
The separation of young adults from their families of origin in order to create families of their own is part of normal human development. According to Murray Bowen, this separation can be achieved in a healthy and gradual manner that preserves the intergenerational relationships of the family of origin, providing both the new family and family of origin with a sense of continuity and support. Alternatively, a schism can differentiate these life stages. Familial estrangement falls into the second category.
In Bowen's theory, emotional cutoff and avoidance are unhealthy coping mechanisms for dealing with
In the Bowen theory, both the estranger and the estranged may use social and work relationships to create substitute families.[19] Support groups and other highly emotional organizations also provide a conduit for emotional energy from unresolved issues with parents, siblings and other family members.[20]
Victim – persecutor – rescuer
The Karpman drama triangle is a model of dysfunctional social behaviors. The persecutor attempts to shift blame or responsibility for their own actions onto another, the rescuer offers help to the victim in a manner that reinforces dependence, and the victim feels victimized, powerless and ashamed.[21]
Personal growth
Only since the late 20th century, family estrangement has been framed, usually by the estrangers rather than the involuntarily estranged family members, as a sign of their own
Costs and benefits
In the case of a parent–child estrangement, in which the adult child is typically the estranger, the adult child may receive benefits such as a sense of gaining power within the relationship, of freedom, or of control.[14] The rejected parents do not experience any benefits but do experience social stigma and feelings of loss.[14][22]
Reconciliation
Triggers for reconciliation include changes in the family situation due to death or divorce, worries about health and death, and developing a clearer perspective about the original situation through the passage of time.[24]
See also
- Absenteeism
- Attachment theory
- Disownment
- Emotional detachment
- Psychological punishment
- Shunning
- Sibling rivalry
- Social rejection
- Defence mechanisms
References
- ^ OCLC 937999129.
- ^
- ^
- ^ Agllias, K. (2011a). Every family: Intergenerational estrangement between older parents and their adult-children. (Doctoral dissertation, School of Humanities and Social Sciences, University of Newcastle, Callaghan).
- ^ McKnight, A. S. (2003). The impact of cutoff in families raising adolescents. In P. Titelman (Ed.), Emotional cutoff: Bowen family systems theory perspectives (pp. 273–284). New York, NY: Haworth Clinical Practice Press.
- ISBN 1-57230-831-1
- ^ McDougall, P., Hymel, S., Vaillancourt, T., & Mercer, L. (2001). The consequences of childhood rejection. In M. R. Leary (Ed.), Interpersonal rejection. (pp. 213-247). New York, NY: Oxford University Press.
- S2CID 147353870.
- ^ Boss, P. (2006). Loss, trauma and resilience: Therapeutic work with ambiguous loss. New York NY: W.W. Norton & Company, Inc.
- ^ Walter, C.A. & McCoyd, J.L.M. (2009). Grief and loss across the lifespan: A biopsyosocial perspective. New York, NY: Springer.
- ^ a b "All on the family: ties, proximity, and estrangement". December 20, 2022.
- ^ Silverstein M, Gans D, Lowenstein A, Giarrusso R, Bengtson VL. Older Parent - Child Relationships in Six Developed Nations: Comparisons at the Intersection of Affection and Conflict. J Marriage Fam. 2010 Aug;72(4):1006-1021. doi: 10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00745.x. PMID: 26203197; PMCID: PMC4507812.
- ^ "How Parents Can Start to Reconcile with Estranged Kids".
- ^ a b c d e f g h i j Coleman, Joshua (2021-01-10). "A Shift in American Family Values Is Fueling Estrangement". The Atlantic. Retrieved 2021-01-14.
- ^ Richman, Laura Smart. Leary, Mark R. (2009) Reactions to discrimination, stigmatization, ostracism, and other forms of interpersonal rejection: A multimotive model. Psychology Review. 116(2). DOI: 10.1037/a0015250
- ^ Ray, Susan L, Vanstone, Meredith. "The impact of PTSD on veterans' family relationships: An interpretive phenomenological inquiry. 2009 Jun;46(6):838-47. doi: 10.1016/j.ijnurstu.2009.01.002.
- S2CID 143254204.
- ^ The Bowen Center http://www.thebowencenter.org/theory/eight-concepts/emotional-cutoff/ Archived 2017-02-28 at the Wayback Machine
- ^ McKnight, A. S. (2003). The impact of cutoff in families raising adolescents. In P. Titelman (Ed.), Emotional cutoff: Bowen family systems theory perspectives. New York, NY: Haworth Clinical Practice Press.
- S2CID 152114538.
- S2CID 147353870.
- ^ ISSN 0362-4331. Retrieved 2020-12-08.
- ^ ISSN 0362-4331. Retrieved 2020-12-08.
Further reading
- Pillemer, Karl A. (8 September 2020). Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them. New York. OCLC 1145305518.)
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