Talk:2017 Aztec High School shooting/GA1

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Nominator: PARAKANYAA (talk · contribs)

Reviewer: PCN02WPS (talk · contribs) 06:02, 26 March 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Happy to review this. I can't guarantee that I will get to it before Wednesday afternoon but I will do what I can to give this a look before too long. PCN02WPS (talk | contribs) 06:02, 26 March 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Lead and infobox

• I think a link to the high school itself in the lead would be helpful

done

• move full stop after "notoreity" outside of the quotes per
  MOS:LQ

done

Background

• First sentence is a little long, lots of commas

done (I accidentally interpreted this as a criticism of the first sentence of the lead, so i changed that too. i think it might be a bit better this way, but opinions? i can change it back if not)

• "According to the Department of Education..." → New Mexico DoE or US DoE? Either way, recommend a link (New Mexico Public Education Department or United States Department of Education)

was US, fixed

• Did Atchison suddenly stop seeing the counselor shortly before the shooting or was this several years before?

the article places it before he dropped out of school so around 2012 - i rearranged it a bit to make it more chronological

• "after the suspension, and dropped out" → remove comma

done

• "for being a troll, and was at times" → remove comma

done

• "...who several months later..." → reads as redundant with this quote and "in July of that year" are both in the same sentence

fixed

• "Together, he and Sonboly" → since Sonboly was the last person being talked about, it sounds like "he" refers to Sonboly; recommend "Together, Atchison and Sonboly"

fixed, but i removed the "together" since i feel that is redundant

• "killing a lot of people within a budget."" → move full stop outside quotes

done

Shooting

• Recommend mentioning briefly that Fernandez and Marquez were students

added

• "student occupied" → "student-occupied"

done

• not sure that you need the exact quotes from Hill, just that he was yelling about a shooter - this would also help simplify that formatting with the quotes and commas

done

• "announcement calling for a lock-down" → recommend removing hyphen in "lockdown" and linking to Lockdown

done

• "As a substitute teacher, Ms. Potter" → don't need "Ms."

done

• "office, and barricaded" → remove comma

done

• "were in there, and fired several" → remove comma

done

• "the hallway, before" → remove comma

done

• "locked classrooms, until they were" → remove comma

done

• "Teachers and students hid in locked classrooms" (plural) ... "walk out of the room" (singular)

fixed

• "toward the back of the building and toward the parking lot" → repetitive; "toward the back of the building and the parking lot"

done

• "they were later picked up by their parents" → the teachers and students were both picked up by their parents?

source says both students and staff were "reunited with family", fixed

• "at Aztec High School" → I don't think the school needs its long-form name at this point in the article; I think "at Aztec" or "at the school" suffices

done

• "was an American football player" → link is good but recommend piping it to read "was a football player" since we're talking about the U.S. and the other sport would be soccer

done

Aftermath

• "take care of each other"." → full sentence, so move full stop inside quotes

done

• "the shooting, and called for action" → remove comma

fixed

• "to be safe at school"." → full stop outside quotes

done

• "the perpetrator, but was surprised" → remove comma

done

• "against the Aztec school district" → if this is the name of the school district then it needs caps

it's called "Aztec Municipal School District", and i think it's weird to fully name that as well as the police department

• First paragraph of "Lawsuits" is a bit repetitive; consecutive sentences start with "The suit claimed..." and "The lawsuit claimed..."

fixed

• "the death of her daughter" → "the family" does not agree with "her"

the second lawsuit is, as far as i can tell, just from the mother, so fixed

• "who would go on to kill nine people" → I don't think this detail needs to be repeated

fixed, changed sentence

• "and determined he wasn't a threat" → "wasn't" is a little too informal

fixed

• "December 14, 2020 for technical" → comma after "2020" per
  MOS:DATECOMMA

done

• "a security door was enacted" → sounds strange, maybe "was installed"?

done

• "online, and had praised" → remove comma

done

• "Peter Langman. a counseling" → wrong punctuation

fixed

Sorry for the delay in getting this done - this is what I have from my first read-through. Nice work, no rush in getting to these. PCN02WPS (talk | contribs) 19:38, 31 March 2024 (UTC)[reply]

@PCN02WPS Done, I think. Hope I didn't create any new problems. PARAKANYAA (talk) 11:01, 3 April 2024 (UTC)[reply]

It just occurred to me that the ordering of this article is a bit off in that, despite the FBI investigation preceding the Munich shooting, the Munich info precedes it in the article. Maybe I should flip it? Thoughts? PARAKANYAA (talk) 14:23, 3 April 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Just a few more things:

• "Atchison opened fire in the upper level hallway of the 800-900 student-occupied building" → does this mean there were 800 to 900 students in the building? If so I would recommend a reword to make this clear
• "officials to walk out toward the back of the building and the parking lot," → replace comma here with a semicolon

A couple minor prose/punctuation things I picked up on my second time through. PCN02WPS (talk | contribs) 02:04, 7 April 2024 (UTC)[reply]

@PCN02WPS Fixed the second one. The first one confused me too, but it actually has nothing to do with the number of people in the building. 800-900 or 800/900 is the name/code of the main part of the building, according to the lawsuit. I rearranged things to fix that (I hope). PARAKANYAA (talk) 06:44, 7 April 2024 (UTC)[reply]