Talk:Osbern fitzRichard/GA1

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Reviewer: Krisgabwoosh (talk · contribs) 00:55, 5 May 2022 (UTC)[reply]

Lead

• "Frenchman". Change to French; the Kingdom of France existed since at least 987. You can also remove "who was a" to simply make "was a French […] landowner".
• "Perhaps Norman". A parenthesis or, preferably, em dash would be best suited for an interruption in a sentence such as this. Example: "was a French—perhaps Norman—landowner"

Background

• Background largely focuses Richard Scrob rather than Osbern fitzRichard. While the current information may be kept, at least some mention of fitzRichard's background should be mentioned.
• On that note, the article uses Osbern as the primary name throughout. The article is titled "Osbern fitzRichard" but it appears that his last name was actually Scrob. Does this have something to do with French/Norman naming customs? If so, leave it as is. If not, replace most mentions of Osbern with his last name.
• "except that he from France". Except that he was from France.

Career

• "Career" seems like an inappropriate title as no real career is mentioned. In fact, the "Background", "Career", and "Legacy" sections are all short enough to possibly be combined into a single "Biography" or "Life" header.
• "Osbern held Richard's Castle". Expand on "held". Held ownership of? Control over?
• "at the time of Domesday Book in 1086". Give a brief explanation of what exactly Domesday Book in the text. A possible change could be "at the time of the Great Survey of 1086".

Family and legacy

• "Ealdgyth was the daughter of Ælfgar, Earl of Mercia". Information as far back as his wife's father's father is unnecessary here.
• Combine the sentence on Osbern's issue into the first paragraph. "Together they had a son" etc.
• "Osbern perhaps had another son". To avoid ambiguity, it can be mentioned that the charter states that he had another son.
• "Osbern's date of death is unknown, occurring sometime after 1088". Avoid using "unknown". Simply state that it occurred at some point between 1088 and 1100.
• "His heir was his son, Hugh". Heir to what? Did he inherit his land?

References

• Replace ^[1] with Template:Harvard citation no brackets so that you can easily click on the citation to get the book.
• Try to combine "Citations" and "References". Perhaps add a single "References" as the heading with "Footnotes" and "Bibliography" and the two sub-headings.

Overall, this article lacks a few too many key factors that I don't believe can be easily fixed just by amending it with the recommended edits. It lacks depth and is largely reliant on just four citations. Perhaps with some more expansive sources, it could be made larger and be renominated. Krisgabwoosh (talk) 00:55, 5 May 2022 (UTC)[reply]