Talk:Zhu De/GA2

GA Review

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Reviewer: Rationalobserver (talk · contribs) 18:05, 31 January 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Lead

affiliated with Mao Zedong and his forces

There are a couple of terms in the lead that could be linked, and I think Mao is a good start.

He ascended through the ranks as the Red Army closed in on securing the nation.

This is a little awkward; reword.

Zhu was a very high ranking official

It's best to avoid empty adjectives like very, at least in encyclopedic or academic writing.

Life

I think this header is redundant and could be removed altogether.

Early life

sent to a classic private school in 1892

I think I know what you mean by classic, but this might be confusing to casual readers.

gain access to Yunnan Military Academy later on

You can drop the later on, as the succession is clear.

Enrolling in Sichuan high school around 1907, upon graduating in 1908 he returned to Yilong's primary school as a gym instructor.

This needs a rewording; maybe: "He enrolled in Sichuan high school around 1907, and upon graduating in 1908, he returned to Yilong's primary school as a gym instructor."

Nationalism and Warlordism

At the Yunnan Military Academy, Zhu met Cai E (Tsai Ao).[10]

This seems a bit disconnected to the narrative. I recommend you combine this with the third sentence.

Following the death of his mentor Cai E and his own wife,

As with above, you might want to combine this point with the others to make a stronger topic sentence.

Zhu developed a strong opium habit

strong isn;t the best word here.

His troops continued to support him and he became a warlord.

This is a run-on; add a comma before and he.

after his troops were driven from Sichuan toward the Tibet border,

That should be "the border with Tibet" or "The Tibetan border".

which may have contributed to his decision to leave China for study in Europe

It would be nice if this speculative ambiguity were not in Wikipedia's voice.

He first travelled to Shanghai where he broke his opium habit and reportedly met Dr Sun Yat-sen.

Per

WP:ALLEGED

, the word reportedly should be avoided.

Converting to Communism

In late 1922,[17] Zhu went to Europe,

It's odd to have a citation after this clause. Should this be at the end of the sentence?

Around this time he joined the Communist Party of China.[19]

This is confusing, as just a bit earlier you stated: He attempted to join the Chinese Communist Party in early 1922, but was rejected due to having been a warlord.

Zhou Enlai was one of his sponsors.

This might confuse a casual reader, so be sure it's clear that needed a sponsor to join.

lead a force against Zhou Enlai, his sponsor and Liu Bocheng's Nanchang Uprising.

The last clause confuses me.

However, having helped orchestrate the uprising, Zhu and his army defected from the Kuomintang.[20] The uprising failed to gather support, however,

Reword to avoid using however twice in a short span.

Zhu Mao

This section is a little cluttered with images, so remove or move any that aren't especially vital.
Should this header have single brackets or double?
Mao had formed a soviet

Link soviet

'Here they formed the Jiangxi Soviet which would eventually grow to cover some 30,000 square kilometers'

The second clause is non-restrictive, so it should be set off with commas.

however he was not able to do the same during

You need a commas after however.

the 1934 break out

break out should be hyphenated.

Red Army leader

organized some battles.

some is a bit vague here.

After the Zunyi Conference,

Since you've already identified the conference, there is no need for reusing the proper name here.

Zhu coopered with Mao and Zhou on military affairs.

Coopered?

Mao supported this offensive at first

Maybe: "Initially, Mao supported this offensive" would be better.

While a successful campaign, Mao attributed it as the main provocation for the devastating Japanese Three Alls Policy later and used it to criticize Peng at the Lushan Conference

Try: "While a successful campaign, Mao 'later attributed it as the main provocation for the devastating Japanese Three Alls Policy and used it to criticize Peng at the Lushan Conference"

Later life

In 1949 Zhu was named Commander-in-Chief of the People's Liberation Army (PLA); thus posterity regards him as a principal founder of the PLA.[40]

The second clause strikes me as a non sequitur.

The first paragraph of this section is a little jarring, with too many In 1949, In 1951, In 1955 type introductory clauses. Try to smoothen this out so it flows better.
He just gave some mild criticisms of Peng

Reword this so it's tone is encyclopedic, rather that colloquial.

The last four sentences use the word death too often. Also, avoid the one-sentence paragraph that ends the section.

Sourcing

I'm not sure what's going on with note 4. Notes 5 and 24 are to dead links, so either you need to find a working link or replace them as citations.
Tidy the format of your references, which is oddly just one.

Addressed all of this. Thanks for reviewing insofar. QatarStarsLeague (talk) 01:44, 5 February 2015 (UTC)[reply]

The source for Note 42 has nothing about his "overseeing" the PLA during the Korean War. Also, Answers.com is not exactly a reliable source. — Preceding unsigned comment added by 2600:4040:2115:6E00:884:A31F:75FC:5519 (talk) 00:01, 17 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Conclusion

This article is well-written, verifiable, neutral, and stable. Its coverage is broad, and, where appropriate, it is illustrated with images. I am happy to pass this GAN; nice job! Rationalobserver (talk) 15:54, 6 February 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks a million! QatarStarsLeague (talk) 18:49, 10 February 2015 (UTC)[reply]