User talk:Drbgsu/sandbox

Here's some general feedback on style and details:

1. Let's refer to the author, Jason De León, as De León throughout. At first mention, I in the lede section I will give his full name.
2. When using a Spanish word, italicize it, and then give a brief definition in parentheses. Drbgsu (talk) 21:01, 16 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

3. I think we also need to modify the reference section, it is really messy. At the moment, we have about 15 references, and most of them are cited at least twice. We should just use the "Re-use" option so that we don't need to cite several times the same articles. ALSO, De León's book is referenced maybe 8 or 9 times but with different style of citations. Same here, we need to make that more... Uniform I guess.
--> I agree with this as well, but I'm not familiar enough with Wikipedia to fix it before class today. We'll need to clean it up once it goes live.Drbgsu (talk) 16:34, 23 April 2018 (UTC) 4. Also, the policy on Wikipedia is to use hyperlinks only once on the paragraph. Therefore I wonder if we should make hyperlinks towards pages that are mentioned a lot such as the Sonoran Desert or the Border Patrol[reply]
--> I agree. We will need to do this clean up once it goes live. Drbgsu (talk) 16:34, 23 April 2018 (UTC) 5. Should we add a template/infobox (you know, the boxes) at the beginning of the Article so that the article look "more professional" (See box on the side) --Matpeng (talk) 18:15, 17 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Great idea Matpeng, I've added this to the draft in the sandbox.Drbgsu (talk) 16:34, 23 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

The content of the Overview is good, but the language needs some refinement and the punctuation needs to be uniform. I suggest simply referring to Part One, Part Two, and Part Three since the titles of the parts are listed below. Drbgsu (talk) 20:56, 16 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Overall, I think it's a decent summary of chapter one. The only mistakes I saw were grammatical. Make sure you use "ó" when typing De León (you typed it without the accent several times so just correct that). Also, there should not be a comma after Sonoran Desert in the last sentence of your paragraph. You also misspelled "choose" as "chose" in the fourth sentence. Less should be fewer in the last sentence. --Laurentay04 (talk) 14:30, 19 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

The only thing that I feel should be changed is the wording in the first sentence. Jason brings up the "Prevention Through Deterrence" in chapter 1. He just goes more into detail about what it exactly is in chapter 2. But otherwise I say great work. maybe also hyperlink agents? Since we talked in class about what agents are. But again up to you. Also maybe see if there is already a wiki page for bajadores. Amazing work!!Hgoad1 (talk) 15:18, 18 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Chapter 2. Dangerous Ground: Great work. I love the links to relevant Wikipedia pages. the word "bajadores" should be italicized and hybrid collectif should be lowercase (and italicized as it is). Drbgsu (talk) 20:58, 16 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Overall good contribution. The last sentence seems a bit strange to me, I don't get the expression "Monster of known as Hybrid collective". This sentence could also be re-written in a more neutral way. Besides, I think De León refers to the Sonoran Desert and not the Sonora Desert. The accents on De León's name are also missing. He also talks about a "hybrid collectif" and not a collective. --Matpeng (talk) 18:56, 12 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Chapter 5. Deported: Edit carefully and eliminate unnecessary capitalizations. Only capitalize proper names like Grupo Beta office. Remove capitalization on phrases like "catch and release" Drbgsu (talk) 21:03, 16 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

• Corrected. --Matpeng (talk) 18:46, 17 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Very concise and to the point. I was a little confused on how to proofread, so if you notice some of the little grammar mistakes I had already fixed which now I see they would go here instead. Overall great job — Preceding unsigned comment added by Emanuelbaslios (talk • contribs) 07:53, 21 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

It is a really good paragraph I don't think many things to change. The style of the sentence is good, I haven't seen any typos... Maybe add a direct comparison/direct mention that the migrants also use a certain technology, but maybe not really adapted to the war terrain they'll have to overcome. You could also maybe add a citation or a reference... --Matpeng (talk) 18:46, 17 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Good paragraph, but I am wondering if there should be more added to it since it so brief? A comma should be placed after "In Chapter 7" as well as after "With this discovery." Also, in the second sentence you spelled it De Leon instead of De León. Finally, I think it would read better if you said "those who have braved the Sonoran Desert" instead of "those who've braved the Sonoran Desert." --Laurentay04 (talk) 14:45, 19 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Good Paragraph overall. I would add a coma after the "collaborators". Also, I'm not sure collaborators works here, it makes me think of Nazi Germany... Colleagues ? I think you should not only focus on Maricela's pictures though because it kinda undermines the rest of the pictures that illustrate the book. Be more general. Also, I am not sure why you use the deformed version of Maricela's name from chapter 9. You should definitely remove the page numbers from the text, mainly when you added a reference. I really like the quote at the end, it's necessary I believe. Maybe you should add more intralinks within wikipedia, it's possible with such a section (I am pretty sure you can add a link to the coordinates, I have already seen that). --Matpeng (talk) 18:46, 17 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

I would try to re-write the sentence about the Catholics. Think about saying Since the family are Catholic, they opened the casket in order for them to fully heal. The sentence just seems a little odd to me. Otherwise I think its very well written. Hgoad1 (talk) 15:29, 18 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Your paragraph is well written and covers the main premise of the chapter. Here are some minor edit sugguestions. First of all I believe you should hyperlink R. Reineke's organization The Colbri Center for Human Rights. Maybe do a sentence explaining it's purpose so that the organization can get exposure. The page number citation should be before the period like so: hearts"(210). One of your De León's dont have an accent over the "o". And Lastly, I'd add a period after anthropologist starting the next sentence off as De León, like this: anthropologist. De León... — Preceding unsigned comment added by Unitywilson1997 (talk • contribs) 16:10, 19 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

This draft is very concise. I like how you started off with the books praises and then went in on the critques. You really only have minor errors in your passages that you could spot out by rereading them. In the beginning of paragraph 3 "Goes to" should be changed to "goes on to." And the "o" in Leon should have a accent like so: León. My only other suggestion would be for you to use less quotes. They make up a huge chunk of your paragraphs. — Preceding unsigned comment added by Unitywilson1997 (talk • contribs) 16:29, 19 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Good summary of the chapter! Very Concise. There are a few minor fixes to be made. Maricelas needs an apostrophe in the second sentence. Maybe take out the word perhaps in either the second or third sentence, it seems to sound a little redundant. Also, maybe take out "the" before "one" in the last sentence. It seems a bit off to me. Overall great job — Preceding unsigned comment added by Sxayavong (talk • contribs) 21:56, 19 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

I thought you did a great job. Again, I wasn't aware of the "talk" page so when I made edits it just went straight to the user page. I thought the hybrid collectif section was pretty straight to the point, however in the Necroviolence and Necropolitics section I would advise not to repeat the word "migrant" back to back. Other than that great job! (talk)