User talk:Pn4Ls

Hello, Pn4Ls, and

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I have responded to this here.

I left a comment at the Milhist talk page in response to your query. I have concerns regarding the notability of the subject but this aside, there are still some other issues with your draft article. I have some feedback that may help with this article, if it proves notable, or others you might work on in the future. In particular:

• there are too many sections/headings/subheadings. Reviewing the content, I would suggest just having "Early life", "First World War", "Interwar period", "Second World War" and "Later life" sections
• the article is not chronological, e.g. the early life section includes stuff about his education that occurred after WWI. The WWI stuff follows mention of his medals. If you use the headings suggested above, you can move content around accordingly so it flows better;
• large chunks of quoted text. A sentence or two might be OK to reinforce a point you may want to make in the text but not the large amount that is presently there. An exception might be the citation for the DCM;
• Some of the content is relatively trivial (for example, it is not necessary to list all the schools he attended);
• The bulletpoints in the "Service in Army" section needs to be converted to prose;
• The Efficiency Decoration is not a gallantry award.
• Some books are listed in the notes section. Author, year and pg no should appear in the notes section, and the book details fully recited in the references section.

These are just a few pointers for now, hope you find them useful. Zawed (talk) 09:14, 18 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Great - that's exactly the sort of pointers I was hoping for, thanks. I will work on trimming it down over the next few weeks. Re notability, there is so much published information on him it was hard to know where to start. He was a commander of the Auckland Battalion which I would have thought was notable in itself. Pn4Ls (talk) 10:54, 18 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]

From the looks of it, he was commanded a territorial battalion during peacetime. I personally don't think this makes him notable in its own right. It may be different if he commanded it in action. I see you have been doing some further tidying up of the article. I may be being presumptuous but it looks like you are intend to keep his personal life and military life separate. While it is better than it was, this doesn't help with the narrative flow, the entire article should ideally be in chronological order. Zawed (talk) 06:31, 19 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]