Wikipedia:Featured article candidates/Ayumi Hamasaki/archive2

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The following is an archived discussion of a featured article nomination. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the article's talk page or in Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates. No further edits should be made to this page.

The article was not promoted by User:SandyGeorgia 00:15, 31 July 2008 [1].

Ayumi Hamasaki

Nominator(s):
User:Thanatous
previous FAC

Self-nomation. I started work on the article in November of last year, at which time it was in need of cleanup: it lacked references, there were formatting errors, etc. Having undergone two peer reviews (which can be found

talk) 02:27, 8 July 2008 (UTC)[reply
]

Comments

The chart itself was deemed non-notable and its ranking scheme arbitrary. So, no, the chart should not be used. indopug (talk) 19:18, 9 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]
Removed reference to the chart.
talk) 20:05, 9 July 2008 (UTC)[reply
]
Otherwise sources look okay, links checked out with the link checker tool. I was not able to evaluate the reliablity of the non-English sources. Ealdgyth - Talk 12:56, 8 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]
  • Reviewing only image licensing: I'm not sure that the Boss Coffee screencap is useful. Otherwise it looks good. --NE2 12:37, 14 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]
  • Well-written and well-cited. Therefore I support, although I am not the best person to judge the prose.--Yannismarou (talk) 16:29, 14 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]
  • Checking suitability of Japanese-language online references:
    • What is the point of refs 3 and 35? Is it just to show that she had songs released under the Drizzly label? The reference links are currently to product information pages, where you can order items. There must be a news report or press release somewhere regarding this. As I see it, these two references are unsuitable.
    • Ref. 60 is probably not needed. The information is already cited sufficiently by Ref. 61. Ref. 60 is just a personal message from Hamasaki. Maybe, it's fine, I'm not sure.
      • Just getting the information "from the horse's mouth" for an extra level of verification. Also, since it's a personal affair, and the singer has been secretive about the circumstances, there's obviously going to be a lot of speculation and whatnot, so presenting the singer's side of it "evens it out", so to speak. The Transmogrifier (talk) 00:33, 23 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]
        • It's probably acceptable as it was released through the record company. --Polaron | Talk 15:03, 23 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]
    • Ref. 72 is also borderline. It links to the marketing page for the movie. The point of the reference is to verify the some information regarding the movie. Isn't basic info about the movie found in some entertainment magazine report?
      • I found an Oricon Style mini-article about the movie; however, what's wrong with using the official site? It's reliable, and it's only being used as a reference for the plot of the movie. If it were sales figures or something like that, then it would probably be best to get the information from a disinterested third-party source, but Avex isn't likely to lie about the plot to make the movie seem better. The Transmogrifier (talk) 00:33, 23 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]
        • It's fine with me. As a rule though, I would prefer we not use publicity releases as references. --Polaron | Talk 15:03, 23 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]
    • Ref. 118 links to a commercial site product information page. Ref. 117, which is a press release, is sufficient for what you're trying to reference.
      • Ref. 117 doesn't mention the collaborations with Panasonic and Ash & Diamonds. The Transmogrifier (talk) 00:33, 23 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]
        • If there's no other reference available, I suppose we're stuck with it then. --Polaron | Talk 15:03, 23 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]
          • I found a Barks (Japanese music magazine, like Billboard) article on it, so I'll use that. The Transmogrifier (talk) 15:27, 23 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]
    • Ref. 119 - I don't think Yahoo Japan is an authoritative source for the spelling of the movie. Does the movie not have an official website or something?
      • No, but the singer's official website lists the title in kanji/kana, so I'll use that. The Transmogrifier (talk) 00:33, 23 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]
  • --Polaron | Talk 23:13, 22 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]
  • Comment - I've made some changes to the lead and elsewhere, and have a few more comments.
    • There are still at least two references to the United World Chart in the text, which has apparently been deemed not notable. A few other comments:
    • The split, which came as a surprise, as reporters had speculated that Hamasaki and Nagase would wed, prompted various rumors among Japanese media speculating the cause of the split. Hamasaki, however, has yet to confirm a reason. - very oddly structured sentence
      • Reworded: "As reporters had been speculating the Hamasaki and Nagase would wed, the split came as a surprise and prompted various rumors among Japanese media concerning the cause of the separation. Hamasaki, however, has not released details about the split." The Transmogrifier (talk) 03:10, 24 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]
    • nineteen of which were western nations - any use of "Western" to mean "
      Western civilization
      " should be capitalized
    • Is the speculation about the cause of her hearing loss from one or more of the sources? Speculation about the medical history of a living person should be very specifically cited, I think.
      • Yes, one of the sources speculated that it was tinnitus, the other, Menniere's. The Transmogrifier (talk) 03:10, 24 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]
    • If the source for the Avex stock price dropping explicitly says there's a causal connection, make that explicit in the article. Don't just imply it.
    • he influence of Hamasaki's music, sometimes considered one of the major forces in shaping Japan's current music trends,[79] has been attributed to the "progressive sound" of the music as well as her self-penned lyrics,[79] while critics credit clever marketing strategies for Hamasaki's success. - another run-on sentence
      • Changed to "The influence of Hamasaki's music, sometimes considered one of the major forces in shaping Japan's current music trends, has been attributed to the "progressive sound" of the music as well as her self-penned lyrics;critics, however, credit clever marketing strategies for Hamasaki's success". The Transmogrifier (talk) 03:10, 24 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]
    • Also among the artists whom Hamasaki has shown admiration for are American musicians Michelle Branch, Kid Rock, and Joan Osborne as well as Japanese artists as Seiko Matsuda, Rie Miyazawa, and Keiko Yamada; - badly worded, and extra as
      • Changed to "Hamasaki has also shown admiration for
        Keiko Yamada
        ".
    • Her remixes, found on many of her records including her remix albums, European releases, singles, and vinyls, span different genres - badly worded
      • Changed to "Her remixes, found on many of her records, span [...]"; I guess from reading the rest article it can be inferred that her discography includes the removed list. The Transmogrifier (talk) 03:10, 24 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]
  • Tuf-Kat (talk) 02:27, 24 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]
  • The wordiness I mentioned weeks ago lingers. Here's a sample chosen pretty much at random, with three comments indexed in subscript: In a January 8, 2008 entry on her TeamAyu blog,(1) Hamasaki revealed that an inoperable condition, possibly tinnitus[5] or Meniere's Disease,[66] had caused her to become completely deaf in her left ear. She disclosed in a statement(2) that she had been diagnosed with deafness in 2006 and that the problem dated back to 2000.[73] Supposedly as a result of her hearing loss, Avex experienced a thirteen-yen decrease(3) in its stock price.[74] And now my comments: (1) The location of the revelation can be relegated to a footnote. (2) I don't understand the difference between disclosure in a statement and plain disclosure; conceivably the former means a press release but if so then this too can be relegated to the footnote. (3) Unless it's a large percentage of an unusually low stock price, 13 yen sounds very little. Anyway, simpler to say that Avex stock dropped by X percent. The thing to do here is to print out the article on paper and read it out to somebody else, watching to see when that second person's eyes glaze over. Cut, cut and cut, with a red pen. NB this is not a vote against promotion to FA, because if I vote against I should then stick around with an open mind and prepare to be impressed and to change my mind, but that won't be possible because I'm likely to be away on vacation. Morenoodles (talk) 09:10, 28 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Definite oppose—sorry to come along so late. This is not fixable in time. The prose is technically faulty, seriously so, and the tone is wrong for an encyclopedia in far too many places.

  • Ref. previous reviewer's "wordiness". Yep. "She is also the first Japanese artist to have her first original eight studio albums top the Oricon charts,[6] as well as the Japanese female artist with the most number-one singles, most Top 10 singles, highest singles sales, and most million-seller singles (the last shared with band Pink Lady and singers Namie Amuro and Hikaru Utada.)[7]" This is hard on our readers. Why not split it? Remove "also", which weakens the flow. "artist whose original ... topped ..." ... [semicolon after "-seller singles"? then add "she" to the next clause?]
  • Ungrammatical: "her father had left the family when she was three and never came into contact with her since." There's a problem in the tense of "came" plus "since", I think.
  • "Because her mother was always working"—a looseness that's OK in oral mode, but not here. Didn't she sleep?
  • Another snake: "At the age of fourteen, she moved from Fukuoka to Tokyo to take various modeling stints as well as acting jobs in such productions as doramas like Miseinen and b-movies like Gakko II and Ladys Ladys!! Soucho Saigo no Hi." Why not "14", to shorten it a little? Remove "various". "to model and to act in such productions as doramas (like M ...). Oh, this is not good.
  • much success—much is unquantifiable, and we like precision at WP. It's informal. Ouch "got good grabs", no, this is the wrong tone. I'm not proceeding! Tony (talk) 09:43, 28 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]
    • Point taken; I guess this article does have quite a ways to go (prose-wise, at least). Where might I find collaborators or someone to give a thorough critique of this article, though? The projects the article is part of won't be of much help; Wikiproject Japan doesn't have a "request for collaboration" or anything like that, and Wikiproject Biography's "request for collaboration" is a bit...dead. The two peer reviews the article has undergone haven't mentioned any serious prose issues, so... The Transmogrifier (talk) 01:34, 29 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]
The above discussion is preserved as an archive. Please do not modify it. No further edits should be made to this page.
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