Don't Go Near the Water (novel)
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Author | William Brinkley |
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Country | United States |
Language | English |
Genre | Comedy |
Publisher | Random House |
Publication date | 1956 |
Media type | Print (Hardback) |
Pages | 373 pp |
Don't Go Near the Water is a 1956 novel by William Brinkley.[1] The book parodies aspects of the wartime United States Navy, particularly Navy public relations, in which Brinkley served, propaganda, war correspondents, civilian contempt for the regular military, and Naval Intelligence.
Background
"In peacetime Lieutenant Commander Clinton T. Nash had been in charge of a Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner and Beane office in the Midwest. Not long after Pearl Harbor he had been commissioned directly from his brokerage office without the corrupting effect of any intervening naval training."[2]
Don't Go Near the Water is a comedic war novel, about United States Navy public relations officers during World War II.
The story is set in 1945, from just after the invasion of Iwo Jima to the end of the war. The officers depicted are in the Public Relations (PR) section of "ComFleets", the fictional advanced headquarters of the Pacific Fleet, on the fictional island of Tulura (a stand-in for Guam).
Plot and chapters
Don't Go Near the Water is an episodic novel broken into ten chapters, each telling a story about the various PR officers stationed on the island, and six sequentially numbered interludes, entitled "Melora", which chronicle the romance between Ensign Max Siegel of the PR section and Melora Alba, daughter of the island's leading citizen.[3]
"Don't Give Up the Ship"
The PR section is headed by
- Melora 1: The Passionate Sailors of Mendoza
- Ensign Siegel escorts two social diseases" among native women, but they aren't deterred. Siegel then pretends that she is talking about her husband and many children. All three are embarrassed when the girl turns out to be sophisticated and fluent in English.
"The Education of Admiral Boatwright"
Despite his great ability, his boring personality prevents his getting any favorable publicity, and he has been ridiculed by war correspondent Gordon Ripwell of the Chicago Gazette, who boasts of a readership of two and one half million. The Admiral reluctantly acquires a small dog from a native boy to protect him during his morning exercise walks, and when the dog runs away, distributes handbills around the island seeking information on the dog. When it turns out the dog returned to the boy, the admiral happily reunites them permanently. The story is picked up by the press from the handbills. The Admiral becomes a popular figure, with the nickname of "Bow Wow Boatwright," assuring the Navy the benefit of his genius for the rest of the war.- Melora 2: Never Mind the Frangipani
- Siegel returns to the village and interrogates Mr. Seguro about the girl (Melora). Mr. Seguro is very evasive about her. After a long struggle, Siegel finally gets him to disclose that Melora is the village schoolteacher. Ensign Siegel immediately heads to the schoolhouse.
"Thinking Big"
Commander Nash establishes the Home Town News Department and designates "Joe Blow" officers on every ship in the fleet, to generate dispatches about individual Navy sailors that can be sent to their home town newspapers. But the fleet fails to show any interest. Nash revises the system: when a Navy ship does something special, Home Town News will send a dispatch to the home town paper of every sailor on board. He appoints meek and inconspicuous
- Melora 3: Hydroz to Jerem
- Ensign Siegel has established a formal relationship with Melora, helping out in the village's temporary one-room schoolhouse after class. The school has no library, so Melora gives Siegel questions from her students for him to look up in the base library. He breaks down the formality by purchasing an Encyclopædia Britannica for the school - the one gift that Melora can accept with propriety.
"Ultimate Fraternization"
Lieutenant (jg) Pendleton, though married, is a womanizer with a penchant for the Navy nurses on Tulura, driving them off to remote beaches at night for seduction. Navy regulations require an escort by a second officer, due to the supposed threat of Japanese hideouts in the island jungles, but to avoid any competition, Pendleton persuades Ensign Siegel's
"The Thousand-Dollar Bill"
Correspondent Gordon "Rip" Ripwell enjoys throwing his weight around with the fearful Commander Nash and the other PR officers. Ensign Christopher Tyson III, a young tennis-playing
Boatswain's Mate Second Class Farragut Jones arrives on Tulura en route to the
- Melora 4: I Went to Harvard College, Sir
- Melora brings Ensign Siegel home for tea with her father, Tulura's chief banker. Mr. Alba is a cultured man, educated in Europe. After the tea, with perfect politeness, Mr. Alba thoroughly dissects Siegel. Despite Siegel's Harvard background, Mr. Alba (clearly but tacitly) finds him wanting in education and breeding.
"The Budweiser Mutiny"
A lavish officers' club is planned to replace the Quonset hut currently in use, while the enlisted men find their beer allowance strictly rationed to two beers per day. Led secretly by Yeoman Garrett, distributing outraged missives written using Public Relations mimeograph equipment, the enlisted men protest by cancelling their war bond allotments. When Naval Intelligence investigates and the correspondents begin writing stories sympathetic to the enlisted men, Commander Nash fears adverse consequences for Public Relations Headquarters. He responds with a disastrous attempt by the officers to build the club themselves. The effort is a complete disaster by mid-afternoon of the first day when six of the inexperienced officers become casualties to work injuries, including the exec, who falls head first into a wheelbarrow of wet cement. Ensign Siegel defuses the situation by the simple expedient of letting the men have their weekly beer ration whenever they want. Nash learns of Garrett's involvement from Naval Intelligence, but recalling the earlier fraternization episode and still fearing the consequences from the correspondents, rules out a court martial and instead punishes the yeoman by transferring him to the worst duty he can think of: sea duty aboard a destroyer.
- Melora 5: Queen's Pawn Opening
- The new schoolhouse is going up nicely, and Melora again invites Ensign Siegel for tea. Despite Mr. Alba's courteous pleasantries, Siegel is uncomfortable, until he discovers Mr. Alba's collection of antique chess sets. His educated appreciation impresses Mr. Alba. When Mr. Alba learns that Siegel is also a skilled player (and there are no others on Tulura) he suggests a game - and invites Siegel to stay for dinner.
"The Lacy Battle Flag"
Debbi Aldrich, the "aloof, tantalizing and beautiful"[12] correspondent for the women's magazine Madame, hits Tulura, where she creates a major upheaval. She especially affects Ensign Tyson by always displaying a half inch of black bra in the open neckline of her uniform shirt. Using her wiles on Admiral Boatwright's assistant, Debbi arranges assignment to a warship going into combat, the heavy cruiser USS Seattle, escorted by Tyson, who has yearned for sea duty. The crew of the Seattle, noting the half-inch of bra, asks Debbi for a pair of her lacy black panties to fly as a pennant during the bombardment of the Japanese-held island of Nanto Shima. Two days after the landing, she slips ashore where the battle still rages, and stays at the front with the Marines for four days. She returns at the end of the week, after Naval Intelligence has begun an investigation into her disappearance, and is sent back to the States. Curiously, after the combat operation Tyson's stammer has disappeared.
- Melora 6: New York is a Very Great Excitement
- Ensign Siegel's and Melora's relationship has become close, especially as her father has found much common ground with Siegel and grown to like him. Matters are dampened, however, when Melora tells Siegel that as much as she has enjoyed other places, she has a duty to Tulura and could never live anyplace else.
"The Day the Bomb Fell"
News of the
"All Good Things Must Come to an End"
The officers of ComFleets HQ celebrate the end of the war and the impending return of most to civilian life with a wild party in the new officers' club. Siegel invites Melora and Mr. Alba to attend, and Mr. Alba finds the behavior of the American officers
"'So that's how it's done,' Nash said. Abruptly the exec gave a superior little laugh. 'Really it's very simple, isn't it, Siegel—unlike Public Relations. Why, any meathead could be a seagoing officer.'"[16]
Reception
Don't Go Near the Water was the best-selling work of fiction of 1956 in the United States, finishing ahead of The Last Hurrah, Peyton Place, and Andersonville, the other three novels to reach "Number One" on The New York Times Best Seller list for that year. Don't Go Near the Water achieved that position on August 12 after just three weeks on the list, and remained there 19 weeks until November 25, when Peyton Place replaced it.
Film adaptation
In 1957, the book was adapted into film by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer as Don't Go Near the Water, starring Glenn Ford, Gia Scala, Earl Holliman, Anne Francis, Keenan Wynn, Russ Tamblyn and Eva Gabor. Don't Go Near the Water was directed by Charles Walters.[17]
References
- ^ "Don't Go Near the Water". FantasticFiction.
- ^ Brinkley, Don't Go Near the Water, p. 7
- ^ Brinkley, p. 19
- ^ Brinkley, p. 41
- ^ Brinkley, p. 52
- ^ Brinkley, p. 68
- ^ Brinkley, p. 72
- ^ Brinkley, p. 95
- ^ Brinkley, p. 153
- ^ Brinkley, p. 177
- ^ Brinkley, p. 183
- ^ Brinkley, p. 245
- ^ Brinkley, p. 264
- ^ Brinkley, p. 275
- ^ Brinkley, p. 317
- ^ Brinkley, p. 318
- ^ "Don't Go Near the Water". Internet Movie Film Database.
- Brinkley, William C. (1957). Don't Go Near the Water. Signet Books.