Talk:Édith Piaf/GA1

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: TompaDompa (talk · contribs) 00:28, 17 July 2023 (UTC)[reply]

This is a

• Generally, the article needs a thorough copyediting.
• The lead is way too long.
  • For one thing, it is eleven paragraphs.
    WP:LEAD says As a general rule of thumb
    , a lead section should contain no more than four well-composed paragraphs. This could likely be fixed by judiciously merging paragraphs. I see no reason the first two paragraphs couldn't be a single paragraph, for instance.
  • More importantly, it is roughly 700 words for a prose article where the body is roughly 2,000 words long. There really is no scenario where a prose article should have a lead approaching a third of the length of the body—either the lead needs to be condensed further or the body needs to be expanded. As a point of comparison, the
    WP:Featured article Sinking of the Titanic is roughly 13,000 words, with a lead of roughly 400 words (and for a more recently-promoted FA example, Mars in fiction
    likewise has a 400-word lead, for an 8,000-word article).
• There is some redundancy and self-contradiction in the lead. The lead should very rarely repeat information within itself—it it does, that's a sign that it should be condensed further.
  • Édith Piaf (born Édith Gassion; 19 December 1915 – 10 October 1963) was a French singer [...] and She was born Édith Giovanna Gassion in Paris in 1915 to Annetta Giovanna Maillard. repeat the birth name (somewhat self-contradictorily) and year of birth needlessly.
  • Her most widely known songs include "La Vie en rose" (1946) and Piaf's signature song, La Vie en rose ("life in pink") was published in 1945 repeat information about the song and introduce a contradiction about the year.
  • Her stage name Édith Piaf was created at the age of twenty, when she started her singing career. and Piaf was acquited and changed her stage name to Édith Piaf. both introduce the stage name. "Acquited" should also be "acquitted".
  • Piaf's father was Louis Alphonse Gassion, an acrobatic street performer. and she accompanied her father on tours around France performing street acrobatics could be combined to avoid mention street acrobatics twice.
• The lead jumps back and forth in time a fair amount. The body does this too, to a lesser extent.
• There are several items in the lead that I would expect to be linked, but aren't. Examples include
  German occupation of France and The Ed Sullivan Show
  .
• Song titles are given in "quotes", not italics, per
  MOS:POPMUSIC
  .
• The lead gives the translation of La Môme Piaf as "the waif sparrow" or "the little waif", the infobox gives it as "The Little Sparrow", and the body gives it as " The Waif Sparrow" or "The Little Sparrow".
• Piaf was partly raised by her paternal grandmother in Bethandy, Normandy. – that should be Bernay, right? That's what the body says.
• From 1940-1944 – see
  en dash
  , but there shouldn't be a dash at all when preceded by "from".
• Piaf met actor/singer
  MOS:SLASH
  .
• the two conducted an affair – this phrasing seems a bit odd.
• Her last song, L'Homme de Berlin was recorded with her husband in April 1963. – the husband in question has not yet been mentioned at this point, which means the reader does not have the necessary context here.
• Large portions of the body resemble WP:Proseline writing.
• Despite numerous biographies, much of Piaf's life is unknown. – the source only says If even half of Olivier Dahan's robust film about Piaf's life is true -- and let's face it, much remains shrouded in myth and mystery, making no point about biographies. "Despite X, Y" is textbook
  WP:Synthesis
  .
• sparrow (a small bird) – I doubt we need to gloss "sparrow", especially if it's linked.
• The year-span subheadings in the "Career" section are a bit dull. I might suggest subheadings along the lines of "Early career", "World War II", and so on.
• Piaf took a room at the Grand Hôtel de Clermont in Paris and worked with Berteaut as a street singer around Paris and its suburbs. – unsourced.
• Leplée persuaded Piaf (then known by her birth name of Édith Gassion) – this is just a very clumsy way of writing it. I would suggest writing that he persuaded "her".
• A barrage of negative media attention now threatened Piaf's career. –this is the kind of
  WP:EMPHATIC language WP:Writing better articles
  advises against.
• This song was entered into the Grammy Hall of Fame in 1998. – unsourced.
• In April 1963, Piaf recorded her last song before her death, titled L'Homme de Berlin. – unsourced.
• In October 1949, Cerdan flew from Paris to New York City to meet Piaf, however his flight was Air France Flight 009 which crashed while attempting to land at a stopover in Portugal. – rather clumsy way of including the link to Air France Flight 009.
• Piaf's drug dependencies are attributed – by whom?
• the two remained married until Piaf's death. – unsourced.
• before passing away –
  MOS:EUPHEMISM
  .
• In 1973, the Association of the Friends of Édith Piaf was formed, followed by the inauguration of the Place Édith Piaf in Belleville in 1981. Soviet astronomer
  3772 Piaf
  , in her honor. – unsourced.
• The "Discography" and "Filmography" sections are unsourced, as is the "Biographies" subsection.

I wish you the best of luck with this article in the future, and hope to see it renominated once the issues listed above have been addressed. In the meantime, I'll add some maintenance tags to the article. TompaDompa (talk) 00:28, 17 July 2023 (UTC)[reply]