Ivan Turbincă

"Ivan Turbincă" (Romanian pronunciation:

The "Ivan Turbincă" story[1] opens with a brief overview of the protagonist's life in the Imperial Russian Army, which had been his home from childhood. Having survived over the age limit, Ivan is given his weapons and two rubles, and released from service. While traveling down a country road, he ends up walking behind God and Saint Peter, who are visiting the world of humans incognito. When Saint Peter expresses alarm at the sight of a soldier who might be prone to mistreating civilians, God informs him that Ivan is a kind man of outstanding generosity, and urges Peter to test that himself. They transform themselves into beggars, and wait at each end of a bridge for Ivan to pass through. The soldier proceeds to give them both of his rubles, stating that "God will again render onto me, for there's more of his to give." As Ivan leaves the scene, the moved Peter urges his divine companion to reward the soldier. They both catch up with him, whereupon God reveals himself and lets the astonished Ivan have his money back. The soldier kneels and prays God to bless his army issue pouch (turbincă), "so that I may be able to pack inside of it anybody I may wish; and so that they could never get out without my approval." The amused God grants him this wish, and, before leaving, informs Ivan that, should he ever feel tired of roaming the land, he'll be welcomed to knock on the gate of Heaven.

The old soldier continues his aimless travel, determined to put his pouch to the test. That evening, he reaches the house of a boyar, and, profiting from his "Imperial man" status, demands and receives lodging. The reluctant and stingy boyar decides to trick the unwelcome guest by making him sleep inside the only one of his houses where devils are supposed to be roaming. The soldier falls asleep on a divan, only to be rudely awakened when his pillow is thrown away by invisible hands, and again when the entire room is animated by loud, onomatopoeic sounds. Ivan puts a stop to this when he yells Pașol na turbinca! (an approximate Romanian rendition of the Russian for "Get into the pouch!"), and all devils throughout the boyar's house are absorbed into his small container. He falls back to sleep, but is again woken up by Satan himself (referred to with the popular etymology Scaraoschi), who is infuriated by the loss of his servants, and slaps the soldier over the face. Ivan is much annoyed by this, and promptly orders his aggressor into the pouch, with the other devils. At daybreak, Ivan takes his revenge on the boyar by awaking his entire household, and claiming that he has spent the night trapping rabbits in his bag, and asks the host to provide him with ramrods so that he may peel the skin off the animals. The boyar, understanding of what Ivan means, hands him "a cartload" of sticks, whereupon the protagonist drags the devils out one by one and gives each of them a severe beating, making them promise never to return. The emotional boyar embraces the rescuer of his property and offers him permanent lodging, but Ivan declines, stating that his task is to defend God, "every man's emperor". As he leaves the premises, the narrator notes: "It seems to me that the boyar himself [...] had come to fear the pouch, so he did not feel too sorry at seeing Ivan leave".

Back on the road, Ivan states his new purpose, that of finding out where God dwells, and invokes the help of Saint Nicholas. Immediately after kissing an icon of the saint, he finds himself transported to the gate of Heaven. He repeatedly bangs on it, until Saint Peter, the gatekeeper, asks him to state his name and purpose. Still on the other side of the door, Ivan inquires about the essentials of Heaven, being informed that the place does not hold tobacco, vodka, women or lăutari, but that he will find all of these in Hell. He rushes there, and has a similar conversation with one of the devils, whose report is to Ivan's satisfaction. Once the gate is opened, the devils find themselves perplexed and, recalling their earlier encounter with the soldier, decide to service him and tolerate his whims. They are left despondent by their new master's drunken partying and exploitative demands, until the creature known as Talpa iadului ("The Foundation of Hell"), portrayed as the cleverest demon, promises to overturn the situation: she creates a drum, and bangs on it the rhythm of march, tricking the inebriated soldier into believing that war has started. He takes hold of his belongings and rushes out of Hell, leaving the devils to lock the gate behind him.

Ivan then falls back on his original plan of serving God, and returns to the entrance of Heaven, which he obstinately guards for days on end. He is there as a self-appointed guard when Death herself attempts to report back to God for instructions, and, as she insists on getting past him, traps her in the pouch. Leaving the item to hang on a tree, the soldier again bangs on the door, and is allowed inside Heaven for an audience with God. He proceeds to inform divinity that Death is at the gate, but without specifying that she is his prisoner, and asks what orders he should relay. Amused by Ivan's behavior, God asks him to tell the visitor that, for the following three years, she should only kidnap the old folk "such as yourself". The soldier returns, releases his prisoners, and tweaks the original order to say that Death must roam the forests and consume the old trees within the space of three years. This she does and, when the term expires and she runs back to Heaven, she is shocked to find the soldier is still by the gate. A heated exchange follows, at the end of which Ivan sends Death back into the pouch and leaves for another audience with God. The latter, the narrator informs, is aware of Ivan's ruse, but decides to play along: he lets his guest know that he should tell Death to capture the young for three years, and then misbehaved children for another three. Ivan again misinterprets the command, forcing Death to eat first young trees, then twigs, for a total of six years. Once her ordeal is over, she is back at Heaven's entrance, and again in front of Ivan. He again traps her, telling her that this is revenge for people she has killed "since Adam", and informing her that she will no longer be allowed out of the bag.

The episode is interrupted by God, who lets Ivan know that he should hand in his pouch and prepare for his own timely death, leaving him three days to prepare. The man uses this interval to reflect on his adventures and fashion himself a coffin. When newly released Death returns to him, Ivan claims not to be aware of how people are supposed to be laid to rest. He exasperates his adversary by dropping himself into the coffin every which way but the proper one, until she decides to teach him by personal example. Once Death is on her back, eyes closed and hands crossed on her chest, Ivan seals the coffin lid and traps her inside. God again intervenes, and is shown to be upset about the soldier's tricks: while he resigns in front of Ivan's determination to live, he punishes him to spend eternity as an old man. The story ends with the indication that Ivan went on to party for ever, boozing and attending a succession of guleaiuri (banquets or wedding parties), and that "he may still be alive now, if he did not die in the meantime."

Ion Creangă's version of the story probably incorporates an old theme in Romanian folklore and is believed to be an echo of themes shared by several

The story is among those of Ion Creangă's that have been known to an English-speaking audience since the interwar period, when they were first circulated in translation.^[12] According to British author Paul Bailey, the versions rely on archaisms and are unsatisfactory; he recommended new translations, in particular one of the "terribly amusing" "Ivan Turbincă".^[12]