Dysfunctional family

Source: Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.
mental illness. Parents having grown up in a dysfunctional family may over-correct or emulate their own parents. In some cases, the dominant parent will abuse or neglect their children and the other parent will not object, misleading a child to assume blame.[1]

Examples

Dysfunctional family members have common features and behavior patterns as a result of their experiences within the family structure. This tends to

dysfunctional behavior, either through enabling or perpetuation. The family unit can be affected by a variety of factors.[2]

Common features

Nearly universal

Some features are common to most dysfunctional families:

Not universal

Though not universal among dysfunctional families, and by no means exclusive to them, the following features are typical of dysfunctional families:

  • Abnormally high levels of jealousy or other controlling behaviors.
  • Conflict influenced by marital status:
    • Between separated or divorced parents, usually related to, or arising from their breakup.
    • Conflict between parents who remain married, often for the perceived "sake" of the children, but whose separation or divorce would in fact remove a detrimental influence on those children (must be evaluated on a case-by-case basis, as a breakup may harm children.)
    • Parents who wish to divorce, but cannot due to financial, societal (including religious), or legal reasons.
  • Children afraid to talk (within or outside the family) about what is happening at home, or are otherwise fearful of their parents.
  • Abnormal sexual behavior such as adultery, promiscuity, or incest.
  • Lack of time spent together, especially in recreational activities and social events ("We never do anything as a family.")
  • Parents insist that they treat their children fairly and equitably when that is not the case.
  • Family members (including children) who
    disown
    each other, or refuse to be seen together in public (either unilaterally or bilaterally.)
  • Children of parents who are experiencing a substance use disorder or who engage in binge drinking have an increased tendency to adopt substance use disorders later in life.[3]

Specific examples

There are certain times where families can become dysfunctional due to specific situational examples. Some of these include difficulty integrating into a new culture, strain in the relationship between nuclear and extended family members, children in a rebellion phase, and ideological differences in belief systems.

Laundry List

The program "Adult Children of Alcoholics" includes something labeled as a "Laundry List". The Laundry List is core literature of the program Adult Children of Alcoholics. This list has 14 different statements that relate to being an adult child of a parent with an alcohol addiction. These statements provide commentary on how children have been affected by the trauma of having alcoholic parents. Some highlights of the statements include, "confusing love and pity", "having low self-esteem", and having a "loss of identity". The Laundry list is a helpful tool in group therapy in order to show families that they are not alone in their struggles. Female children whose parents were alcoholics have an increased risk of developing depression. Male children of alcoholics are at a significantly higher risk for developing a substance use disorder.[4]

Parenting

Unhealthy signs

Unhealthy parenting signs, which could lead to a family becoming dysfunctional include:[5]

  • Unrealistic expectations
  • Ridicule[6]
  • Conditional love[6]
  • Disrespect;[6] especially contempt.
  • Emotional intolerance (family members not allowed to express the "wrong" emotions.)[6]
  • Social dysfunction or isolation[6] (for example, parents unwilling to reach out to other families—especially those with children of the same gender and approximate age, or do nothing to help their "friendless" child.)
  • Stifled speech (children not allowed to dissent or question authority.)[6]
  • Denial of an "inner life" (children are not allowed to develop their own value systems.)[6]
  • Being under- or
    over-protective
  • Apathy ("I don't care!")
  • Belittling ("You can't do anything right!")
  • Shame ("Shame on you!")
  • Bitterness (regardless of what is said, using a bitter tone of voice.)
  • Hypocrisy ("Do as I say, not as I do.")
  • Lack of forgiveness for minor misdeeds or accidents
  • Judgmental statements or demonization ("You are a liar!")
  • Being overly critical and withholding proper praise. (experts say 80–90% praise, and 10–20% constructive criticism is the most healthy.)[7][8]
  • Double standards or giving "mixed messages" by having a dual system of
    values
    (i.e. one set for the outside world, another when in private, or teaching divergent values to each child.)
  • The absentee parent (seldom available for their child due to work overload, alcohol/drug abuse, gambling, or other addictions.)
  • Unfulfilled projects, activities, and promises affecting children ("We'll do it later.")
  • Giving to one child what rightly belongs to another
  • Gender prejudice (treats one gender of children fairly; the other unfairly.)
  • Discussion and exposure to sexuality: either too much, too soon or too little, too late
  • Faulty discipline based more on emotions or family politics than on established rules (e.g., punishment by "surprise".)
  • Having an unpredictable emotional state due to substance abuse, personality disorder(s), or stress
  • Parents always (or never) take their children's side when others report acts of misbehavior, or teachers report problems at school
  • blaming
    one child for the misdeeds of another)
  • "Tunnel vision" diagnosis of children's problems (for example, a parent may think their child is either lazy or has
    learning disabilities
    after he falls behind in school despite recent absence due to illness.)
  • Older siblings given either no or excessive authority over younger siblings with respect to their age difference and level of maturity.
  • Frequent withholding of consent ("blessing") for culturally common, lawful, and age-appropriate activities a child wants to take part in
  • The "know-it-all" (has no need to obtain child's side of the story when accusing, or listen to child's opinions on matters which greatly impact them.)
  • Regularly forcing children to attend activities for which they are extremely over- or under-qualified (e.g. using a preschool to babysit a typical nine-year-old boy, taking a young child to poker games, etc.)
  • Either being a miser ("scrooge") in totality or selectively allowing children's needs to go unmet (e.g. a father will not buy a bicycle for his son because he wants to save money for retirement or "something important".)
  • Disagreements about
    nature and nurture (parents, often non-biological, blame common problems on child's heredity
    , when faulty parenting may be the actual cause.)

Dysfunctional styles

"Children as pawns"

One common dysfunctional parental behavior is a parent's

spying), or causing the child to dislike the other parent, with insufficient or no concern for the damaging effects of the parent's behavior on the child. While many instances of such manipulation occur in shared custody situations that have resulted from separation or divorce, it can also take place in intact families, where it is known as triangulation
.

List of other dysfunctional styles

  • "Using" (destructively
    narcissistic parents
    who rule by fear and conditional love.)
  • Abusing (parents who use physical violence, or emotionally, or sexually
    abuse their children.)
  • Perfectionist (fixating on order, prestige, power, or perfect appearances, while preventing their child from failing at anything.)
  • value system
    .)
  • Inequitable parenting (going to extremes for one child while continually ignoring the needs of another.)
  • supervision
    , or otherwise putting their children's well-being at risk.)
  • Abuse among siblings (parents fail to intervene when a sibling physically or sexually abuses another sibling.)
  • Abandonment (a parent who willfully separates from their children, not wishing any further contact, and in some cases without locating alternative, long-term parenting arrangements, leaving them as orphans.)
  • temper tantrums
    . "Peace at any price.")
  • Loyalty manipulation (giving unearned rewards and lavish attention trying to ensure a favored, yet rebellious child will be the one most loyal and well-behaved, while subtly ignoring the wants and needs of their most loyal child currently.)
  • "Helicopter parenting" (parents who micro-manage their children's lives or relationships among siblings—especially minor conflicts.)
  • "The deceivers" (well-regarded parents in the community, likely to be involved in some charitable/non-profit works, who abuse or mistreat one or more of their children.)
  • "Public image manager" (sometimes related to above, children warned to not disclose what fights, abuse, or damage happens at home, or face severe punishment "Don't tell anyone what goes on in this family".)
  • "The
    false accusations
    that their child is up to no good or others are plotting harm.)
  • "No friends allowed" (parents discourage, prohibit, or interfere with their child from making friends of the same age and gender.)
  • Role reversal (parents who expect their minor children to take care of them instead.)
  • "Not your business" (children continuously told that a particular brother or sister who is often causing problems is none of their concern.)
  • Ultra-egalitarianism (either a much younger child is permitted to do whatever an older child may, or an older child must wait years until a younger child is mature enough.)
  • "The guard dog" (a parent who blindly attacks family members perceived as causing the slightest upset to their esteemed spouse, partner, or child.)
  • "My baby forever" (a parent who will not allow one or more of their young children to grow up and begin taking care of themselves.)
  • "The cheerleader" (one parent "cheers on" the other parent who is simultaneously abusing their child.)
  • "Along for the ride" (a reluctant de facto,
    adoptive parent who does not truly care about their non-biological child, but must co-exist in the same home for the sake of their spouse or partner) (See also: Cinderella effect
    ).
  • "The politician" (a parent who repeatedly makes or agrees to children's promises while having little to no intention of keeping them.)
  • "It's taboo" (parents rebuff any questions children may have about sexuality, pregnancy, romance, puberty, certain private body areas, nudity, etc.)
  • Identified patient (one child, usually selected by the mother, who is forced into going to therapy while the family's overall dysfunction is kept hidden.)
  • Münchausen syndrome by proxy (a much more extreme situation than above, where the child is intentionally made ill by a parent seeking attention
    from physicians and other professionals.)

Dynamical

Coalitions are subsystems within families with more rigid boundaries and are thought to be a sign of family dysfunction.[9]

  • The isolated family member (either a parent or child up against the rest of the otherwise united family.)
  • Parent vs. parent (frequent fights amongst adults, whether married, divorced, or separated, conducted away from the children.)
  • The polarized family (a parent and one or more children on each side of the conflict.)
  • Parents vs. kids (
    intergenerational conflict, generation gap or culture shock
    dysfunction.)
  • The balkanized family (named after the three-way war in the Balkans where alliances shift back and forth.)
  • Free-for-all (a family that fights in a "free-for-all" style, though may become polarized when range of possible choices is limited.)

Children

Unlike divorce, and to a lesser extent, separation, there is often no record of an "intact" family being dysfunctional. As a result, friends, relatives, and teachers of such children may be completely unaware of the situation. In addition, a child may be unfairly blamed for the family's dysfunction, and placed under even greater stress than those whose parents separate.

The six basic roles

Children growing up in a dysfunctional family have been known to adopt or be assigned one or more of the following six basic roles:[10][11]

  • The Golden Child (also known as the Hero or Superkid
    overachiever
    outside the family (e.g., in academics or athletics) as a means of escaping the dysfunctional family environment, defining themselves independently of their role in the dysfunctional family, currying favor with parents, or shielding themselves from criticism by family members.
  • The Problem Child, Rebel, or Truth Teller:[13] the child who a) causes most problems related to the family's dysfunction or b) "acts out" in response to preexisting family dysfunction, in the latter case often in an attempt to divert attention paid to another member who exhibits a pattern of similar misbehavior.
    • A variant of the "problem child" role is the Scapegoat, who is unjustifiably assigned the "problem child" role by others within the family or even wrongfully blamed by other family members for those members' own individual or collective dysfunction, often despite being the only emotionally stable member of the family.
  • The Caretaker: the one who takes responsibility for the emotional well-being of the family, often assuming a parental role; the intra-familial counterpart of the "Good Child"/"Superkid."
  • The Lost Child or Passive Kid:[14] the inconspicuous, introverted, quiet one, whose needs are usually ignored or hidden.
  • The Mascot or Family Clown:[15] uses comedy to divert attention away from the increasingly dysfunctional family system.
  • The Mastermind: the
    opportunist
    who capitalizes on the other family members' faults to get whatever they want; often the object of appeasement by grown-ups.

Effects on children

Children that are a product of dysfunctional families, either at the time or as they grow older, may exhibit behavior that is inappropriate for their expected stage of development due to psychological distress.[10] Children of dysfunctional families may also behave in a manner that is relatively immature when compared to their peers. Conversely, other children may appear to emotionally "grow up too fast"; or be in a mixed mode (e.g. well-behaved, but unable to care for themselves.) Children from dysfunctional environments also have a tendency to demonstrate learned unhealthy attachments due to intergenerational dysfunctional parenting.[16]

The effects of a disordered upbringing may induce an array of

compulsive spending.[21]

Children who are raised in dysfunctional environments are also at a higher risk of developing an eating disorder, including anorexia nervosa or binge eating disorder as an emotional coping method due to psychological distress.[22]

These young individuals may also have difficulty forming and maintaining healthy

procrastinating tendencies that can have detrimental effects on their educational/occupational obligations.[25]

Additionally, children may demonstrate social inadequacies by spending an inordinate amount of time engaging in activities that lack in-person

social interaction.[26] This disordered upbringing can also promote the child to project aggressive behaviors on their peers by bullying or harassing others or becoming a victim of bullying.[27] Both of these roles often lead to an elevated risk of the child having low self-esteem issues, increased prevalence of isolation, and difficulties expressing emotions, a common effect related to emotional and physical abuse.[28]

A lack of parental structure and positive peer influences can lead young individuals to seek alternative forms of peer alliances, including peer groups that engage in

juvenile delinquency and those who perform acts that are knowingly illegal or demonstrate symptoms of an oppositional defiant disorder.[29] This habitual behavior and environmental factors can also lead the troubled youth to a life of crime, or to become involved in gang activity.[30]

This lack of socially normative structure and defiant behavior is also notable in cases where sexual abuse was prevalent. Early sexual experiences can lead to sexually inappropriate behavior that could lead to future interest in

homeless,[33]
even in cases where the child's environment consisted of an average/above-average socioeconomic standing.

Further socialization problems can be demonstrated by children of dysfunctional families, including habitual or sudden academic performance problems.

illegitimate children.[36]

Further dysfunctional behaviors can be perpetuated in other future relationships. An individual that was raised in a dysfunctional home environment may also pass this learned behavior on to their offspring, including their substance use habits, conflict resolution methods, and learned social boundaries.[37] These social inadequacies can result in individuals demonstrating self-protective behaviors, to compensate for the difference in their childhoods, as they may have the inability to practice positive self-care and effective emotional coping strategies.

In popular culture

See also

References

  1. ^ Masteller, James; Stoop, David (1991). "The Blame Game". Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves: Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families (revised and updated ed.). ReadHowYouWant.com (published 2011). p. 222.
    ISBN 9781459622937
    . Retrieved 20 October 2019. People who grew up in dysfunctional families often feel that everything that goes wrong in the world is their fault.
  2. ISBN 978-0471080787
    .
  3. OCLC 802337663.{{cite book}}: CS1 maint: numeric names: authors list (link
    )
  4. OCLC 802337663.{{cite book}}: CS1 maint: numeric names: authors list (link
    )
  5. ISBN 978-0306434419
    .
  6. ^
    ISBN 978-0788193835
    .
  7. ^ "Praise, encouragement and rewards". Raising Children Network. 2011-04-10. Archived from the original on 2019-03-28.
  8. ^ [9] https://www.lifehack.org/350678/13-signs-toxic-parent-that-many-people-dont-realize
  9. PMID 21731581
    .
  10. ^ a b Forgiving Our Parents: For Adult Children from Dysfunctional Families by Dwight Lee Wolter c. 1995.[full citation needed] Except where individually noted
  11. ISBN 978-0877956334
    .
  12. ^ Polson and Newton, pp. 81–84
  13. ^ [Polson and Newton, pp. 84–85]
  14. ^ Polson and Newton, pp. 86–90
  15. ^ Polson and Newton, pp. 85–86
  16. doi:10.1016/j.paed.2015.12.007
    .
  17. ^ "Good parents 'buffer' their kids' minds". The Sydney Morning Herald. AAP. 2010-09-21. Archived from the original on 2018-03-24. Retrieved 2012-06-13.
  18. S2CID 35525949
    .
  19. PMID 12612237
    .
  20. S2CID 219559890
    .
  21. S2CID 199853490
    .
  22. PMID 33187289
    .
  23. doi:10.1111/j.1467-9507.1994.tb00046.x
    .
  24. ^ Erndic, Ozturk. "Betrayal trauma, dissociative experiences and dysfunctional family dynamics: Flashbacks, self-harming behaviors and suicide attempts in post-traumatic stress disorder and dissociative disorders". Medicine science.
  25. ISBN 978-1-4899-0229-0
    .
  26. ISBN 978-1-4613-9810-3
    .
  27. ^ Sterling, John (2008). "Understanding the Behavioral and Emotional Consequences of Child Abuse". Pediatrics.
  28. ^ "Child Abuse". Long Beach Fire Department Training Center. 2009-09-19. Archived from the original on 2010-01-31.
  29. PMID 36078582
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  30. S2CID 143617044
    .
  31. PMID 11731348
    .
  32. PMID 10494978
    .
  33. PMID 19339321
    .
  34. doi:10.1016/S1056-4993(18)30295-5
    .
  35. S2CID 5324960
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  36. S2CID 10140462
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  37. doi:10.1080/13642539908400813
    .

References Cont.

23. Palmer, Nancie. (August 1997). Resilience in Adult Children of Alcoholics:A Nonpathological Approach to Social Work Practice, Health & Social Work, 22 (3) pp. 201–209, https://doi.org/10.1093/hsw/22.3.201

24. ACA Worldwide. (2022, April 14). Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families World Service Organization. Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families. Retrieved April 19, 2022, from https://adultchildren.org/

Further reading

  • Lundy Bancroft, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" 2002
    ISBN 0-399-14844-2
  • John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame That Binds You
  • John Bradshaw, Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child
  • John Bradshaw, Bradshaw On: The Family
  • Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman, The Narcissistic Family. Diagnosis and Treatment
  • Beth Polson and Miller Newton, Not My Kid: A Family's Guide to Kids and Drugs, Arbor Books / Kids of North Jersey Nurses, 1984,
    ISBN 978-0877956334
    ,
  • Charles L. Whitfield, Healing the Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families

External links

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